Now it’s the turn of Insignia – Vauxhall’s new mid-size car that debuts at the British Motor Show on July 22nd – to take to the public roads. Vauxhall hopes the new model will cause a sensation in its class – but surprises only work if they are not revealed beforehand.

The team responsible for camouflaging prototypes began making their preparations for the test phase when the new car first progressed beyond computer simulations and clay models. Together with chief designers and engineers, the team established which of the car’s characteristic lines should be kept hidden the longest from prototype paparazzi.

Together, they developed a “facelift” for the upcoming model that would disguise the prototypes as much as possible. One of the variants had an especially elegant, flowing rear section, for instance, so a pronounced spoiler was designed to mask it. A wooden model was built as a cast to form the plastic camouflage parts needed for around 200 test cars that have to be disguised in the run-up to series production.

Covers for other characteristic body components were also designed and produced using the same process. As always, the first prototypes were brought to a workshop in a particularly well protected area to be disguised as the initial test cars.

First “facelift” should make Insignia as ugly as possible

For this part of the camouflage operation, experts use special adhesive and foil, which ensures a smooth surface and remains flexible and tear-proof at temperatures ranging from minus 40 to plus 70 degrees Celsius. In other areas, the foil is shimmed with foam to change the car’s contours. This adhesive material is also used to camouflage characteristic window lines.

Small, highly contrasting covers are fitted to obscure other prototype body surfaces. For years, the practice at Vauxhall/Opel was to use a black and white chessboard pattern, but this has now been replaced by “Fishies”, rounded, fish-shaped diamonds designed to confuse camera lenses and spying eyes. This disguising job will soon be done even better by Flimmies, a new type of camouflage whose pattern creates a flickering effect.

If it has Vauxhall logo, it’s definitely not a Vauxhall

Fixing false brand and identification marks to prototypes is a popular trick in the camouflage business. So a test car with a Vauxhall-like logo is most probably not a Vauxhall.

Headlamps and rear lights are especially difficult to disguise as vehicle licensing authorities stipulate that a car’s – even a prototype’s – cone of light, brake lights and all other exterior functions must meet legal regulations. Unfortunately, headlamps and rear lights are a popular means for designers to make the cars’ brand easily recognisable, and therefore must be well disguised. To do this, camouflage experts fit simple, round lights from an accessories shop to the rear of the car, and make special components for the headlamps.

Another challenge for camouflage experts is that disguising elements also need to be removable. For certain tests, such as acoustics or aerodynamics, any body styling parts are a hindrance, regardless of security. That’s why some automakers favour large wraparound covers that can be attached to the car’s body with Velcro and lashing belts. Vauxhall opted for a different approach, as such large covers can come loose at high speeds, damaging the camouflage and endangering other road users.

Biggest obstacle in a perfect camouflage operation? People

The biggest potential compromise to camouflage operations is always going to be the technicians associated with the test car, which is why Vauxhall has a strict set of rules concerning prototypes. Rule 531 states that no camouflaged test car may stop in a public place, for instance, while the driver has a quick snack. A tarpaulin must also always be on board, as even Vauxhall prototypes sometimes break down during their test phase and must then be quickly covered over.

To protect plant secrets, prototypes are always accompanied by a second car on public roads, so help is always at hand if needed. Over long distances prototypes have to be transported in closed trucks, such as for test driving in Finland. In the past, resourceful photographers would all too often quickly lift up the truck’s tarpaulin and snap some shots while the driver was taking a well-deserved break.

But why such an effort? In short, the automobile industry lives and breathes new cars, and this is of great interest to two particular groups: competitors and the media. While competitors want to react to new products as quickly as possible with their own innovations, for the media, the news of any new innovations is a valuable means of attracting readers or viewers.

One of the most important characteristics of a new car is its exterior design. It is the customer’s first impression of the car, it defines a brand’s appearance for the public, and often lets judgments be made about what possible technological innovations are concealed beneath the bodywork. That’s why shielding new body styling from prying eyes has become an art form within the auto industry over past decades.

Prototype paparazzi: The nemesis of camouflage experts

The principal opponent of camouflage experts are specialist photographers called prototype hunters, or simply photo spies. The prototype paparazzi have a very good idea where the automobile industry’s preferred test circuits are located around the world.

These photographers face increasing competition from amateurs who happen to capture an unknown car on their camera phones. Or then again maybe not, as some pictures that land on editors’ desks are of series-production models that are only unusual because they are not for sale in the photographer’s country, and therefore seem exotic or mysterious.

Professional photographs, on the other hand, can command five-figure sums, depending on brand, timing and image quality, and are the main income of a small, but highly specialised group known as ‘Photoshoppers’. In the past, trained designers artistically adapted photos of camouflage cars with crayons and India ink to form often very accurate images of the latest innovations. Nowadays, it is Photoshop touch-up artists who try to create realistic images of these new models. To help them, they have prototype photographs and design concept cars, which automakers use to test public reaction at motor shows, and also to stir up anticipation of future series-production vehicles.

Small Car

With the government’s increasing desire to tax us for breathing, small cars with low CO2 output are becoming big news. We expect this to become the sector with the greatest innovation over the next couple of years, but 2007 left us a little unfulfilled.

The new Mini Clubman was probably the biggest let-down for us – ugly to look at, somehow completely lacking the eagerness that its small brothers are full of and, in practical terms, poorly thought-out with a huge pillar blocking your rearward view, and a single rear door on the wrong side of the car. Nil points.

The Fiat 500, while cheeky and full of character and wonderful design ideas, ended up being too expensive and, bizarrely, a lot less fun to drive than its Panda sibling on which it’s based. We couldn’t work that one out.

Honourable mention must be made of the Vauxhall Corsa’s ingenuous Flex-Fix bike carrier that pulls-out from inside the rear bumper.

But for us, the only small car of 2007 we warmed to was the new Skoda Fabia – an honest little package with a good range of engines and willing dealers.

That said, we’d probably still have a Suzuki Swift by choice.

Family Car

It’s been a complex year for Ford. Questions over the future of its Jaguar, Aston Martin and Land Rover brands as well as not inconsiderable money worries were no doubt rather uncomfortable distractions. Despite that, however, they managed to turn out a blinder – the new Ford Mondeo.

We’ll quickly gloss over the ridiculous James Bond product placement, and for the moment we’ll turn a blind eye to the slightly tacky silver fascia in the hope something a little less ‘Argos’ will appear on the options list. With that out of the way, it’s easy to focus on the excellent chassis, the willing range of engines, and the surprisingly handsome exterior design.

Everything seems well-made and well-built, too, so hopefully buyers won’t have to spend too much time in their local Ford dealership (we’ve yet to find one we like). Figure in depreciation carefully before shelling out, though.

Honourable mention must also go to the stupidly-named Nissan Qashqai. We’re not a fan of these pseudo-4x4s – we just can’t see the point in making a small hatchback look like the target of social derision – but there’s no doubting the Qashqai does a great job of carting family stuff around without costing the earth.

Biggest disappointment in this category, though, is the Volvo C30. It was our most anticipated new model of last year. That all changed when we got our hands on a copy of the price list – it is galactically over-priced. We specced up a D5 version (which is saddled with the wrong gearbox, by the way) with a comfortable yet restrained number of toys and ended-up with a hernia-inducing price of nearly £28,000. Frankly, Volvo are taking the piss with that one.

Estate Car

If you’re still in the market for a traditional estate car, your options just got a little wider, thanks to the new Ford Mondeo. It wins this category for all the reasons given above, plus the sheer volume of its well thought-out load bay.

Our favourite, the Honda Accord Tourer, gets a mention here because we find it amazing that a car in its last year of production (the new Accord Tourer arrives in the summer of 2008) should still be so competitive.

4×4

Nothing wins the 4×4 category this year. Zip. Nada. Anyone who buys a 4×4 now is setting themselves up as a target of social hatred, an ever-increasing tax burden and plummeting resale values once these factors take hold, and nothing arrived in the market to convince us otherwise.

If you simply must, try the Skoda Octavia Scout.

We will award a special ‘Last One to the Party’ award to the Audi Q7, which managed to make its debut as this whole sector prepares to implode. With the added bonus that it’s rubbish.

Executive Car

Difficult one, this. We like the styling of the new Mercedes C-Class (well, the sportier models, anyway) but hate the Vauxhall-inspired interior. We’re loving the new range of BMW diesel engines, but can’t stand the looks (inside or out).

And then there’s the Jaguar XF. We’re not convinced by the exterior styling – it’s a little too Hyundai for our liking – but there are numerous clever touches and we think Jaguar deserves a special award for having the balls to finally dump its old man design language and experiment with something new.

We don’t see the fact that it’s based on the old S-Type’s platform as a hindrance, but more an indication of how well Jaguar’s engineers had tweaked and honed the old model through-out its life cycle.

What we would like, though, is an XF with the V8 diesel.

Sports Car

The sports car we’re most excited about is the new Fiat Grande Punto Abarth. It’s powered by a properly fizzy Italian rip-snorter of an engine, and in white with graphite wheels looks exactly as an Italian hot-hatch should. We can look past the slightly iffy interior quality because, frankly, as long as the wheels stay attached and there’s petrol in the tank, we’ll be too busy enjoying ourselves to notice.

A special ‘Ugly as Hell’ award goes to the Subaru Impreza. None of the previous models were lookers, despite receiving an almost endless stream of face-lifts. But the new one is, well, hideous. And it comes fitted with Chav rear lights straight from the factory.

We hear that Subaru UK weren’t originally going to import a WRX or STi version into this country, because they wanted to re-position Subaru as a maker of, well, boring under-powered and ugly hatch-backs as far as we could tell. We’re pleased they’ve changed their minds (where would Subaru be without the rally-inspired hot versions?) but we simply can’t understand the mentality of a company that visually cripples everything they make (Tribeca, anyone?).

Luxury Car

We debated this category far longer than the others. That’s not because we’re spoilt for choice – our shortlist features only two models – but more because we just couldn’t decide between them.

The Lexus LS won this category last year, and now there’s the LS 600h hybrid version to confuse matters further.

And, at long last, Maserati dropped a proper automatic gearbox in their gorgeous Quattroporte.

The Lexus is the ‘head’ choice, while the big Maser is the ‘heart’. We’ll let you decide.

Supercar

The Audi R8 feels like the obvious choice in this category. It’s so mind-bendingly competent, and must surely force Porsche engineers back to the drawing board to find radical ways of revising their ancient 911 to redress the balance. But it’s still an Audi, and that means there’s something deeply staid and overly sensible about it. Plus we don’t like the fact your spangly new R8 will be taken out for a sound thrashing come service time by the same spotty little oik that changes the oil on Grandma’s diesel A3.

Plus we can’t help asking ourselves the question: “why did Audi buy Lamborghini, only to launch their own competitor?”

So our winner here is the Nissan GT-R. It speaks volumes that something with a Nissan badge has found its way into the Supercar category, and we’d like to give Nissan a punch in the face for making us wait so long for it (the official unveiling was so long ago we’d almost forgotten it). But to drive, this thing is sublime. It is, quite simply, a pure driving machine. A good supercar should force you to redefine the terms by which all others are judged: the GT-R does exactly that. Just don’t called it a Skyline – Nissan gets very upset.

The ‘Wooden Spoon’ award of this category goes to the Aston Martin DBS. The DBS fills us with two somewhat inconvenient questions that we can’t resolve: what the hell is it, and why does it cost so much?

Most anticipated car of 2008

We’re not going to nominate a specific car this year. Instead, we’re going to throw down the gauntlet to all car manufacturers. We believe there’s a growing number of people waiting for a car that’s fun, powerful, practical and green. These people aren’t interested in ridiculous cross-overs (are you listening, Mercedes R-Class?). They’re not interested in shouty designs that get keyed in the station car park.

So here’s the challenge: we want to see a car with a powerful diesel engine with low CO2 emissions – think BMW 330d – with a DSG-style twin-clutch gearbox. We want hatchback proportions, like a Golf, but with clever packaging, like a Honda Jazz. We want understated and classy exterior design, like an Audi A4. We want an Italian-styled interior like the Alfa 159. We want a chassis that responds the way Peugeots did when they made the 306. We want Japanese build quality and Lexus customer service. We definitely don’t want German rock-hard suspension, run-flat tyres, iDrive, silly doors, or anything French. And we’re not spending more than £25,000.

Car makers, get to it.

Supermini
Winner: Fiat Panda 100HP
We really like what Fiat are up to with the Panda.  The original Panda always suffered from a slightly comedic image here in the UK, but the new model is just, well, cool.  And now Fiat have launched the new Panda 100HP sporty version, the coolness factor has just edged up a notch or two.  We like.

Most Disappointing: The new New Mini
The new New Mini was one of our biggest disappointments for 2006, and for several reasons.  Chief among those are the way BMW have resorted to turning the Mini almost into a pastiche of itself – there are way too many ‘cutesy’ styling cues for it to be taken seriously and, while the new engine might be more refined than the old Brazilian unit, we mourn the loss of the characterful supercharger of the Cooper S.  Step away, folks – nothing new to see here.

Family Car
Joint winner: Ford S-Max
No-one really expected this one.  Sure, they showed us a concept car, but we all expected the production Ford S-MAX to be so watered-down as to be all but unrecognisable.  So, good on ya’ to Ford for producing family transport that Dads will want to drive.

Joint winner: Citroen C4 Picasso
Big up to Citroen and their new-found design confidence.  The C4 isn’t as sharp to drive as the Ford, and probably not as well-built, either, but its interior design is the cleverest on the planet.  Somebody somewhere had to fight a few battles to get this car into production in this form, and they deserve a healthy bonus and a big promotion.  Both the Ford and the Citroen are equally worthy winners in this category.

Estate Car
Winner: Honda Accord Tourer
Sorry.  We know the Honda Accord Tourer won this category last year, but there still isn’t anything to touch it.  Good job, Honda.  Bad job everyone else.

4×4
Winner: Land Rover Freelander
The new Land Rover Freelander wins the 4×4 category this year.  Unfortunately, we can’t say that’s because it’s an outstanding product; it’s more a result of the drought of new models in this sector.  We’re deeply sceptical about the quality, and need to be convinced.  We’ll report back.

Ugly Stick Award: Honda CR-V
Special mention this year goes to the new Honda CR-V.  The old model ticked so many boxes we feel guilty for not listing it as a winner earlier – safe, reliable, practical, economical (yes, and it’s a 4×4) – but its replacement has been beaten with the ugly stick so many times we feel it may have been designed by the same blind person as the SsangYong Rodius, mankind’s ugliest creation.

Executive Car
Winner: Mercedes-Benz CLS
We remain bored with the BMW 3-Series, and not even the arrival of the new Coupe model was enough to excite us.  What we do like, however, and is continuing to grow on us, is the Mercedes-Benz CLS.  It’s up-turned banana styling confused us all at first, but it’s softened over time and evolved into one of the most striking executive expresses on the roads today.  With the right wheels and a dark colour, there’s no point arguing with one in the fast lane.

Sports Car
Winner: Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupe
We love the canvas-roofed Mazda MX-5 – light, agile, involving and just quick enough.  Now they’ve gone and added a folding metal hard-top, the little ’5 becomes an even more compelling package.  Mazda’s engineers deserve special recognition for achieving what every other manufacturer has so far failed to do: to fit a folding metal roof without ruining the styling.

Most Disappointing: Honda Civic Type-R, Audi TT
A number of disappointments in this year’s sporting category.  Firstly, the Honda Civic Type-R.  We were dying to get our hands on one while Honda were teasing us with tiny snapshots.  However, once we found out it was powered by the same overly-peaky 2.0-litre lump as the old model, and had put on weight, we lost interest.  The new Audi TT also failed to excite us.  We like the engineering under the skin, but there’s something oh-so-forgettable about the styling.  Nothing too exciting about the engines, either.  Could try harder.

Luxury Car
Winner: Lexus LS 600h
The Mercedes S-Class has always been the car to move automotive technology forward.  However, the Germans have been well and truly blown out of the water this year by the Japs: the new Lexus LS is an astonishing piece of kit.  What’s even more amazing, however, is that it’s all usable.  No horrible COMAND or iDrive systems here: simple touch screen menus and tech toys that silently get on with their job.  Plus, there’s a hybrid power-train choice available if you want to pretend to have a conscience.  As if that wasn’t amazing enough, the new big Lexus is also a bit of a looker.

Supercar
Winner: Jaguar XK
So let’s clear this up: the new Jaguar XK isn’t really in the Supercar class.  It’s far too cheap, for a start.  However, anyone spending upwards of £100,000 on a Ferrari or Lamborghini may find a test drive in Jaguar’s latest XK raises a few questions about what, exactly, the highly-strung Italians give you for your extra cash.  Everything about this car works together: the suspension, the engine, the styling.  We even like the traditional British ‘man in shed’ unfinished details around the car, like the horrible after-thought of an aerial in the rear wing.  It adds to the character of the car, and at a time when Lambos are being sanitised by Audi influences and Ferrari is busy making ugly cars, we feel that’s exactly what the market needs.

Most anticipated car of 2007
Volvo C30
We can’t wait for Volvo’s daring new C30 to arrive on these shores in 2007.  Over 24,000 people have registered their interest in the new small Volvo, so if you’re not in the queue by now, you’re already too late.

Supermini
Winner: Toyota Aygo
The Toyota Aygo is the spiritual successor to the original Issigonis Mini. Toyota took a fresh look at the task of building a cheap, small car. Rather than designing a car and building it cheaply (and therefore badly), Toyota instead engineered the car from the beginning to benefit from efficient production techniques. The rear tailgate, for instance, is a single piece of glass, rather than a metal pressing with a separate glass panel, and is held open by only one gas strut. This principle not only makes the Aygo cheap to buy (prices start from £6,745), it also makes it cheap to run, with an insurance rating of just 1E. Toyota didn’t skimp on the details, either, with an iPod connection and air conditioning available. Despite the Aygo also being marketed as the largely identical Citroen C1 and Peugeot 107, our award goes to Toyota as the company responsible for the car’s design and construction.

Runner Up: Honda Jazz
Despite having been around for a few years now, the Jazz is still tough to beat with its typical Honda reliability and incredibly versatile interior.

Family Car
Winner: Honda Civic
We’re giving our Family Car award to the Honda Civic, despite the new model not actually hitting showrooms until very early in 2006. It’s such a radical piece of design from a company normally known only for the reliability of its products and the pensionable age of its customers. But with the Civic, Honda have moved car design a step closer to the future, with intricate details such as the triangular exhausts, Cyclops wrap-around headlights and a split-level dashboard. None of this can be cheap to build, so our admiration goes out to Honda for giving people what they want: something a bit different.

Runner Up: Renault Modus
Renault are undoubtedly king of the family biff-about, but even the clever Modus isn’t enough to stave off the new Honda Civic. We like its cheeky looks and urban practicality (namely the infamous boot-chute). It’s a shame they’re not better made, though.

Estate Car
Winner: Honda Accord Tourer
We tested the Honda Accord Tourer back in 2003 and quickly fell for its solidity, road manners, surprising turn of pace and incredible space. Since then, it’s also become home to one of the best diesel engines in the business, making it an unbeatable package for those who regularly need to transport their belongings cross country.

Runner Up: Skoda Octavia
There’s something tough and workman-like about the new Skoda Octavia. We imagine them to be the silent workers of society, endlessly plodding across counties with a cargo bay full of goodies. While the Skoda jokes of old may have been well and truly banished for good, there’s still something more than a little dull about the brand, though.

MPV
Winner: Renault Scenic
It’s difficult to get excited about an MPV, so we won’t bother trying. We voted for the Renault because no-one tries harder to protect your family in the event of an accident. Nearly every Renault on sale today has achieved the maximum five stars in Euro NCAP’s crash testing. What they lack in build quality, however, they make up for with juicy discounts.

Runner Up: Vauxhall Zafira
The new Zafira carries on where the old one left off. That is to say it’s one of the most practical kid-wagons on the market today, but it’s a shame the new Zafira didn’t break as much ground as the old one.

4×4
Winner: Land Rover Discovery
We were eagerly awaiting the arrival of Jeep’s new Grand Cherokee, hoping we would at last see some competition to the great British bruiser. Unfortunately, the American challenger turned out to be nearly as disappointing as the last US election, so the Discovery continues as our favourite 4×4. We still wish it would go on a diet, though.

Runner Up: Nissan Pathfinder
Nissan’s Pathfinder surprised us. Many had become used to Nissan as a manufacturer of 4x4s that were either too soft (X-Trail) or too decrepit (Terrano). The Pathfinder, however, parachuted on to the frontline with chunky, up-to-date looks, good build quality and some respectable off-road capabilities. We like it a lot.

Executive Car
Winner: Lexus IS
The new Lexus IS is the second outing for the company’s new design language, L-Finesse. It’s a look that appeals to the individual, and Lexus follow up on that initial interest with incredible build quality and surprising road-holding. Our main criticism of the IS is that it seems to have softened a little around the edges, pegging it closer to the ‘luxury’ end of the market than the ‘sporty’ end.

Runner Up: BMW 3 Series
It’s precisely because of that lack of sporting edge in the Lexus IS that the BMW 3 Series remains as a runner up. The new Three is bland and forgettable, and we deplore BMW’s drop in quality. That said, it’s still a tighter drive than the Lexus.

Sports Car
Winner: Porsche Boxster
It’s coincidence that both our Sports Car of the Year and the runner up are convertibles. Whatever the reason, there’s no questioning the balance, performance and heritage of the latest Porsche Boxster. Quite simply, there is no better way of putting a smile on your face, even within Porsche’s own range. And with prices starting at just £32,000, even your bank manager will be smiling.

Runner Up: Mazda MX-5
If you don’t mind sliding the performance envelope down a few notches, the new Mazda MX-5 is your new best friend. Managing to retain much of the style hinted at by the Ibuki concept, the new ’5 has a great look, and much of the fizz of the old model is still present, if a little dulled. Still, on a sunny day and on the right road, there’s little to beat it.

Luxury Car
Winner: Rolls Royce Phantom
The Rolls Royce Phantom is an exceptional motor car. No other brand better signifies luxury and no car serves better as the automotive embodiment of that luxury. The Germans by themselves consistently fail to find the perfect balance – witness the Maybach, with its ‘all you can eat’ approach to opulence. The Phantom, however, benefits from one key ingredient: the British. Given a free reign, the British Rolls Royce craftsmen backed by German engineering have created a car that is unlikely to be surpassed. At least until Rolls Royce decide to.

Runner Up: Mercedes S-Class
The Mercedes-Benz S-Class has always been the car that leads the industry. New technologies and safety devices would appear on the S-Class, before filtering down the food chain over the course of the next few years. The la
st S-Class, however, didn’t really innovate, except in its reduction in quality which set alarm bells ringing in shareholders offices around the world. Now, though, MB have received a pasting, from shareholders, owners and journalists alike. With the new S-Class, Mercedes is trying to prove one thing: the Benz is back.

Supercar
Winner: Bugatti Veyron
In a year when automotive engineering took such a giant and almost unrepeatable leap forward, there can be only one winner: the Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Powered by an 8.0-litre W16, producing 1001bhp and 922lb/ft of torque, Volkswagen’s new flagship fires itself to 62mph in an astonishing 2.5 seconds, before the laws of physics finally call ‘time out’ at 253mph. How can anything else even begin to compare to such dogged determination not seen since man decided to fly? It might cost £810,345 but, like Concorde, as a triumph of engineering unlikely to be surpassed, that is the price of immortality.

Runner Up: Nothing comes close

“Couldn’t you have found a smaller car?” my passenger jests, through bleary eyes.

It’s true, Honda’s five-door version of the Accord is probably visible from space. In a market full of ‘lifestyle estates’ barely commodious enough to play host to a surfboard, the Japanese have created a truly gargantuan rival to the ubiquitous Volvo estate.

Strange, then, they settled on the ‘Tourer’ moniker rather than ‘Cargo’ or ‘Warehouse’, given its epic 1,707 litre luggage capacity. Can an estate car perform like a grand tourer without feeling like a mobile barn conversion? We decided there was really only one way to find out – we would point the Honda badge north and stop driving when we’d had enough.

Flinging a Red Bull multi-pack into the Accord’s load-space, where it all but disappears, my passenger climbs aboard with a sanity-questioning sigh. It’s 5am, and I ease the Honda out into the Hampshire countryside.

Conversation is limited to a series of coded grunts as we attempt to coax my portable sat nav into a state of co-operation. However, it’s not long before we join the M25 around Heathrow and the customary accumulation of MPVs with children stuffed into every cup holder. Holiday season is most definitely here.

Swinging onto the M40, we’re passed by a Ford Galaxy with sucker-faced children pressed up against the windows. This, it seems, is to be a recurring theme for the trip. The star of Honda’s ‘Cog’ advert certainly attracts attention.

As we pass Oxford at 6am, the sun begins to peer over the horizon. It seems strange to think we might see tomorrow’s sunrise in the same place, albeit on the other side of the carriageway.

“Oh, purlease!” I snort, as a black Golf pulls in front and immediately reduces his speed by 20mph, causing me to brake. It’s a manoeuvre he’s practised well, having performed the same trick four times already over the course of the last few miles. I can only surmise that he objects to the design of the rear of the Accord Tourer so much that he can’t bear to look at it. I drop the gearbox through a couple of ratios and accelerate past. Again.

Birmingham, it seems, is hosting a road works convention. Contraflows and diversions of every conceivable design announce our impending arrival on the M6, all liberally decorated with cones and flashing lights. It also marks the beginning of the longest single leg of our journey; we’ll stay on this motorway for the next 200-odd miles until Carlisle.

Now 150 miles into our road-trip (it’s depressing to think of it as only a fifth of the way to our destination), we’re beginning to appreciate the extra effort Honda put into seat design. The additional bolsters of the Type S don’t appear to sacrifice comfort for support, but with another 500 miles still to go, we’ll be well able to judge how good they really are.

As we pass the Peak District, the number of caravans and (mainly foreign-registered) mobile homes seems to double, most of them sporting ingenuous, but essentially dangerous-looking, methods of strapping multiple bikes to the back.

Our first fuel stop of the day comes at around 9am when we pull into the Welcome Break services at Charnock Richard. Although only about 250 miles into our journey, and with the gauge still registering about a third full, I opt to keep a decent amount of fuel in the tank in case we have to dive onto the back roads when the traffic builds. I calculate our fuel consumption to be around 31mpg – not bad going. The Honda draws the now customary inquisitive glances, but I resist the urge to play with the power tailgate.

“Hadn’t you better start the engine first?” quizzes my passenger, sarcastically, as I prepare to move off. I slot the alloy gear lever into first and pull away, watching his face drop as he realises his faux pas. The Accord’s 2.4-litre engine was already running, testament to Honda’s excellence at supressing noise and vibration.

Back on to the M6, and time to settle back in to the rhythm. Years of passage by trucks has left the surface of lane one heavily rutted. While the optional 17″ Penta alloy wheels look great, and are shod with serious Yokohama rubber, they can tramline badly leaving you feeling like you’re piloting a train along a wonky set of rails. It’s a problem faced by any manufacturer that fits wide and low-profile tyres, and certainly isn’t unique to the Honda, but those seeking a calmer relationship with their steering wheel might want to stick with the standard-fit 16″ alloys.

We cross the border into Scotland around 11am, now a good 350 miles and six hours into our journey. It’s a testament to the comfort of the Honda that I still feel like pressing on. I wondered quietly to myself before the start of the trip if I might get to the Scottish border, only to suddenly reconsider why I was doing such a bizarre and slightly mad thing, and then decide to turn around. So far, I’m still driving north.

Minding my own business on the M74, a Ford Scorpio lunges out from a slip-road and takes up position a few feet from the Honda’s rear bumper. It’s clear this guy wants to get past, so I oblige. As he passes, I marvel at his parenting skills when I see that the rear of the car is filled with small children, all standing up, unrestrained, each one forming a perfect living missile should he need to brake in an emergency.

We skirt around the edges of Glasgow and up past Stirling on our way to join the A9, a road we’re likely to be on for some time. Past Perth, and things start to become noticeably more Highland-esque, with a proper array of hills (actually, sizeable mountains), valleys and rivers. And caravans. Unlike South West England’s A303 which is nearly always infested with slow-moving plastic houses, the A9 is punctuated with lay-bys and prominent yellow signs, reminding drivers that “frustration kills – please allow overtaking.”

The overtaking promotion allows us to make good time, but just as the Honda and I are settling into a relaxed cruise, we hit our first traffic jam of the day. A lane closure soon after a side road joins the A9 means we’re queuing as everyone jostles for position. Down south, we’d see a few road rage incidents as tempers boil over but here, everyone calmly filters into place. In fact, the only thing that overheats is a red Citroën ZX.

As we’re coasting in the jam, we’re subjected to the now customary stares and quizzical glances, notably from a middle-aged couple in a battered Xantia. The woman in particular seems incapable of taking her eyes off the Honda, and even leans her seat back further so she can get a better look. I begin to wonder if I’ve got a flat tyre, or perhaps someone’s graffiti’d the side of the car and I haven’t noticed yet. Or, worse, she’s looking at me and not the car. Luckily, her lane speeds up and my self-consciousness subsides.

Four in the afternoon, and we arrive at Tore, just north of Inverness. I’m beginning to think about finding fuel when we see signs for services just off a large roundabout. The signs lead to what can be best described as “Bob’s Garage” tucked away down a side road, with what looks like a meeting of the local Massey Ferguson club in progress in the car park. Although the forecourt has six pumps, five of them have plastic bags tied over the nozzles. I leave my passenger to have an unprovoked coughing fit, nearly causing a local to call an ambulance, while I fill up the car – it’s another 31mpg tank. A large “Diner” sign leads my bladder to believe they’ll have usable toilet facilities, so I investigate before paying. The diner is shut, and the toilets probably should be, too – not that I’m a WC expert, but I’m sure it’s customary to have the waste pipe connected to something. I decide to skip it.

Back on the A9 now, and across the impressive-looking causeway between Findon Mains and Ardullie just as the sky begins to fill with warm tones. We’re treated to an impressive view of Cromarty Firth as the A9 follows the coast past Invergordon and up to Morangie (yes, of Glenmorangie fame – the distillery is open all year round).

The road becomes satisfyingly more twisty, although also more populated by caravans. There are some great corners up here, and I take advantage of every overtaking opportunity and begin to really stretch the i-VTEC unit’s lungs. Stuck behind a V8 Discovery that looks like it needs outboard stabiliser wheels, I’m joined by an enthusiastic bright blue MG Rover. It’s obvious to each other that we’re both keen to get past our mobile chicane up ahead and make the most of the roads, so when an opportunity presents itself, I allow Rover Boy to pass first. A cheery wave is my reward.

With the exception of two Vauxhall Astras that insist on braking virtually to a standstill for corners but then frantically accelerating on the straights to prevent anyone from overtaking, the next few miles are the best of the whole journey so far. Sweeping bends, great weather, a fluid chassis and a nicely relaxed power unit, all combine to make the first 600-odd miles well worth it.

It all comes to an abrupt end, however, when we happen upon a Belgium-registered mobile home, complete with precarious rear-mounted bikes, dawdling at a maximum of 25mph. With no overtaking opportunities left, we’re destined to spend our last few miles staring at the back of an Elddis Autostratus. It’s not pretty. I briefly consider turning around and going home.

Fourteen hours and nearly 700 miles later, we pull in to the car park at John o’Groats.

After the magnitude of our journey, we half expect to pass through a golden archway with choirs singing and cherubs plucking serenely at harps. In reality, John o’Groats consists of a large car park with bays big enough for any mobile plastic abode, a handful of touristy shops, a roundabout and a famous sign. I park the Honda as close to the wooden landmark as I think I can get away with, and drink a celebratory can of Red Bull.

Consulting a map, it’s difficult to comprehend the distance we’ve covered, particularly as we still feel relaxed. After watching a group of tourists dressed in luminous orange leave for a wildlife tour, we start the return leg of our journey.

With the sun setting over the horizon, and no traffic ahead of us, the first few miles back down the A99 are an unspoilt version of that denied us by our caravanning friends on the way up. The coastal route offers incredible views over the North Sea. It’s mildly disconcerting at first the way the right-hand bends present us with a view of the sea and nothing else as you approach them. The prospect of a shear drop into the briny deep works wonders for keeping your mind focused.

The Honda and I start to merge, and together we scythe our way down the A9. Ever had an experience where it’s difficult to tell where you end and the car begins? It’s dark, but the road has plenty of overtaking opportunities. Even the other traffic seems to be egging us on, pulling over or indicating to the left when the way is clear to overtake. Our only hold-up is a Fiat Bravo that refuses to use main beam to illuminate the way ahead, leaving me to guess if the straight is long enough to pass safely. I opt to wait for a stretch of dual-carriageway. We make Perth in just over 3½ hours, and my passenger wakes just in time to plan a fuel stop.

While I’m filling up, a Peugeot pulls up at the adjacent pump and off-loads a group of lads. There’s much interest in the Honda’s alloys as I walk in to pay for the fuel, but when I come out they make some comment about “estate cars” that I don’t quite catch and wheel-spin off the forecourt. I work out our economy to be 36mpg on that last leg – excellent, considering our, err… enthusiasm.

The A9 is dispatched quickly, past Stirling and Glasgow, and before long we’re back on the M6. It’s closed at junction 34, and the diversion takes us and a motorway-load of trucks through Lancaster, along a route lined with speed cameras. I can’t help thinking the local police force will be earning a massive revenue boost while the road works are in place, particularly as the truck ahead of us appears to be piloted by one of Schuey’s relatives.

After the diversion and back on the M6, we pick up where we left off but, while the Honda is just getting into its stride, I’m beginning to feel more than a little tired. The rest of the M6 is largely uneventful, and that doesn’t help my now withering state. While the Honda’s boot capacity of 1,707 litres with the seats down might be enough to hold 6,828 cans of Red Bull, that’s still not enough to keep me awake any longer. I decide to sleep for an hour in the next services.

It’s 6am, and we’re woken by the sound of a Discovery starting up and rattling off out of the services. It’s time to move on ourselves, although not before a fuel stop for all concerned – a tank of unleaded for the Honda, and a Red Bull and Snickers breakfast for the rest of us.

The sun’s beginning to rise and the traffic is building. I’m now keen to get home, but I’d forgotten how many sets of road works and 50mph speed restrictions there were; I’m going to miss seeing the sunrise in the same place as yesterday.

I can tell we’re back down south as drivers are cutting each other up, tailgating, and gesticulating. The familiar sight of the M25 is upon us, and I know just beyond that is the M3. I’m getting my second wind.

After 27 hours, 24 of which were driving, we arrive back in Hampshire and can unfold ourselves from the car. The Honda’s done well. It’s covered in bugs, but has been economical and amazingly comfortable for nearly 1,400 miles.

A real tourer, then. It seems Honda were right with the name all along.